Does your aging parent need help?
Here are signs to look for and tips for starting a conversation
No one wants to see a parent -- or both parents -- beginning to have health problems. Our parents have been the caregivers, the people we turn to when things get tough in our own lives. We rely on them for their words of wisdom and to make us feel better, no matter how old we’ve become.
As hard as it is for us to give up our notion of our parents as our caregivers — and possibly take on the role of their caregiver — it is even harder for them to admit they need help, or even accept that help.
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| So, how do you start the conversation with your aging parents about sensitive topics like memory loss, their |
Michael Van Scoy, MD
Medical Director, Elder Care
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ability to drive, housekeeping habits, or other concerns you have about their ability to properly care for themselves?
Michael Van Scoy, MD, medical director of the Elder Care program at SMDC Medical Center – Duluth Clinic, and Siobhan McMahon, a certified nurse practitioner, offer expert advice on how to start this tough conversation.
Q. What are some warning signs that my parent(s) may need help?
A. Dr. Van Scoy: The first and earliest sign is that a
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| person may not be functioning well at their highest level. For example, if your father is an electrical engineer and is having a hard time programming a circuit. Another early sign is mood change. Your |
Siobhan McMahon, CNP
Elder Care |
parent may become frustrated, angry or depressed. When someone feels their abilities being compromised, they may begin to suffer a crisis of identity and self-worth.
Other signs may include:
- Changes in lifelong patterns.
- Differences in the way they keep themselves.
- Eating patterns may change. They may lose or gain weight.
- Missing appointments.
- Forgetting to take medications.
- Not keeping up with the house or yard.
Q. What is the first step I should take if I am concerned about my parents?
A. Siobhan McMahon: Talk to your parents, siblings or family members. Ask them if they’ve noticed any changes and let them know what you’ve noticed. Try to set up a time when you and several siblings (depending on how many there are and who lives close to your parents) can get together to talk to your parents about your concerns.
Q. How should we approach our parents?
A. McMahon: I tell people to call their parents to set up a meeting time and to be up front. You may start with: “Mom and Dad, we want to spend some time with you to talk about a few thoughts we have concerning your situation and your health right now. We want to hear your perspectives and share some of ours.” Keep in mind you want to honor their wishes and find out what their goals and desires are for their future.
Q. What if we don’t think we can have a productive conversation with our parents?
A. Van Scoy: We have resources for people who might need someone to facilitate the conversation with their parents. Healthcare professionals that can help you get the conversation started include your parent’s primary care physician, one of the six very qualified certified nurse practitioners I work with in the Elder Care program or one of our social workers.
Q. Do you have any advice about how to conduct this meeting?
A. McMahon: Have a plan for the meeting and if you don’t have a healthcare professional with you, assign someone to be a facilitator. Make sure everyone has a voice. And, make sure the central and driving voice is your parents’. Work with your parents to come up with a plan that respects their wishes and keeps them safe. Start the conversation by asking them if they have any worries or concerns about their health and being able to take care of themselves or things around the house. Ask them what their fears and hopes for the future are and give them time to express themselves.
Q. What if our parents resist help?
A. McMahon: Start with small steps. For example, if you notice your parents need help with the housekeeping, offer to have a housekeeper come once a week for a month -- just to try it out. If they don’t like the housekeeper, offer to try a few different housekeeping services until they find someone they like and trust.
Q. Are there any programs that can help us care for our parents?
A. Van Scoy. We have several in our Elder Care program that can help.
- Memory Clinic: Siobhan works in our Memory Clinic with a registered occupational therapist and a social worker to help people who have memory changes or are worried about having memory problems. They do a lot of work with individuals and loved ones to find ways to live with memory loss in a way that is satisfactory to them.
- Minnesota Senior Health Options (MSHO): This is a Medicare and Medicaid program that offers seniors age 65 and older a registered nurse to coordinate their care. We do an initial assessment in the senior’s residence. The assessment is exhaustive and holistic and covers things such as: can they get groceries, ride the bus, operate the microwave, keep track of their medications, and are they safe from falls in the environment. After the assessment, we follow and advocate for the senior for as long as they elect to be in the program.
- Elder Care Management: This is a fee-based program. Here again, a registered nurse will come to the senior’s residence and do a holistic assessment, as well as follow and advocate for the senior. The nurse practitioner then communicates with the child on a monthly basis.
- UCare for Seniors: Through UCare we screen seniors who might be at a high medical or functional risk. This is usually triggered by a visit to the emergency department. We do what is called a personal risk assessment. We walk through what is putting them at risk and help them transition to a safer environment.
Q. What should we keep in mind as we all deal with our parents aging?
A. McMahon: If you haven’t had the conversation yet, make sure you do. The earlier you do it, the easier it is. Don’t wait until a crisis occurs. Also, remember plans change over time as people change. Once you start the conversation, keep talking and adjusting, especially if your parent has a chronic health condition. Educate yourself about the condition and its progression so you know what to expect. Remember to do what you feel comfortable doing to help your parents. Many children question their own actions and decisions and whether they are doing the right thing. There is no right or wrong. Your intentions are good and you are doing what you can.
Here are two Websites that outline resources and services for older adults in Minnesota and Wisconsin: